You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
