Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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