Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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