dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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