you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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