Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
