Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
