I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
