My friends, they love my intelligence
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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