I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
