U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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