I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
