There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
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