she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
