She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
