i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
