Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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