was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
