i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
