How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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