I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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