I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
