Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
