In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
