you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
