I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
