youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
