big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
