Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
