eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
