Tell her she can't have a vagina
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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