yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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