there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
