and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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