I think my fart just growled at me.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You smell like stripper and shame
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
