You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
