She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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