i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
