my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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