I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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