im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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