I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
