Old men and throwing up are my life now.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
