All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
