I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
