1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
