I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
