can u get pink eye on your cock?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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