best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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