Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
