i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
